Oh, really? That isnt misogyny. That can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on your views of abortion, where you are in your life, who your partner is, etc. I asked him why and never got a response back, ever. He said theres only a chance. Courts are loath to do anything but joint custody unless one of the parents is an absolute idiot. SpaceySteph Why do you think that is? While it is true he has no obligation to someone hes broken up with, he does have an obligation to not go around making babies with women he doesnt even know. Scummy is the wrong word to use. Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. And Im also not passing judgements on him based on my preconceived notions about how the conversations went down. Its fucking unfair. lets_be_honest Instead, the LW seems to validate and support his furor, demands of an abortion, etc. Or pining away for a father figure theyll never, ever have? And at 40 years of age, he should know how babies are made and if he didnt want kids, maybe he should have considered getting snipped? And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. Jess of CGW More like: her: what do you want to do about it? Most guys with the level of responsibility that he is showing dont pay child support, anyway. Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. I told her if its not about the kids, dont text him. Do whats best for you, as difficult as that is. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. Fury at the woman he impregnated is misdirected. reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): A Mistakes That Can Make a Breakup Worse and What to Do Instead - Insider Or is it Dear Wendy gender wars where the men stick together to excuse bad behavior of men while the women cry foul? April 10, 2012, 6:08 pm. Solved. Maybe she doesnt want the baby at all, but it seems the least unappealing choice to her in this scenario. I hope your boyfriend will reconsider not being a part of this babys life. In my opinion, a deadbeat leaves his child, abandons the mother, and offers no financial support. from the letter: In most cases a child has been brought into the world consensually, and so both parents should be obligated to support that child. The Story Behind Every Song On U.S. Girls' New Album Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! Are you kidding? According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. When I hit the ground, I jumped up, pulled the safety clip off the release assembly and slapped it. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? April 10, 2012, 10:41 am. And, like an immature asshole, he decides he doesnt want to own up to his responsibility. Now? They talk, hed says hed rather not have a kid and would like her to get an abortion. I showed up late to the hot debate in the comments (damn you work lol), but to put this in perspective for me, I was born to relatively young parents and now at 25, my dad is a few years older then this gem of a man in this letter. How do you even know that his man was actually, really furious? That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. I highly doubt thats what shes doing considering shes only known him for two minutes., SweetsAndBeats The fact that he doesnt means hes no good for either of you. He was broken up with her at that time, and had no agreement that they would get together in the future. she didn't know that she's pregnant after in 4 month later. Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. She may have been sweet and loving throughout the relationship, but when she stopped being her best self or caring about what you think, she became angry, vicious, or revengeful. If you loved him, you wouldn't toss the relationship. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Men AND women both have decided, well after-the-fact, that no babies is better than having babies. My hand felt like someone smacked a block of ice with a hammer. Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. If he cant afford the child support, get away from him as he will be an emotional and financial drain. Email usyour questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include Ask Dr. Sherry in the subject line. There is a certain degree of sadness in all of this, yes, but Ive turned out far better than my friends whose fathers have been unable to make up their minds one way or another about parenthood. Either_Coconut 3 mo. April 9, 2012, 3:49 pm. April 9, 2012, 12:52 pm. Man, I was having a crappy morning and now I feel SO MUCH BETTER, because Im not this LW. Thats precisely the incentive structure feminism (and the paternity laws that followed) have created. He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently). And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? Dudes inner-monologue consists of the word Fuck clouded by that ringing noise you get after leaving a concert. Because guess what? Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. But this doesnt mean that hes not scum. They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. and our As others have said, she could have been on the pill and he could have used a condom and she still could have gotten pregnant. Wow RR, I like it when you get angry. Steve Kellmeyer I know youre just trying to tell us that the little scroat wont be able to trap him, buttttt it looks like you cant hold onto him either? But you know what? Youre right Leroy- the really crazy, dramatic ones are the minority and I tend to ignore them as well. When I was young, but old enough to ask, my mom always told me that my biological father just wasnt ready to be a daddy. Theyre the exact same situation, but for some reason, hes scum. Whoa whoa whoa this kid should be the most important thing in his life, over her? P.S. Im a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well. Your argument that consenting adults should never have sex unless theyre prepared to become parents neglects the fact that not only do we have the means to significantly reduce the risk of pregnancy, we have extremely safe ways of terminating pregnancies, especially very early on. Whos the daddy? And thats why I wouldnt want anything to do with him in the first place. Hes scum for directing his fury at anyone other than himself. So, if you insist that men create children, or even assist in such a thing, you are some kind of slimy pro-lifer meddling in the affairs of independent women who need men like a fish needs a bicycle. Its like people that think women become foster parents for the money. But I have no tolerance for the ones who cry foul after the fact when it hasnt gone their way. April 9, 2012, 12:23 pm. As a woman, you have control over that. The court considers the psychological effects on the child before ordering support. I think what you are trying to explain are the two types of custodyover the person and over decision making for the person. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. Its probably best hes not in the kids life anyway. guys..youre not gonna get anywhere with this one. I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. Marriages (or partnerships) are not secondary to parent-children relationships; nor are they primary. Well technically for me it was the way he reacted to his potential child and nothing about the way he treated the LW or the woman in the letter. Any woman who, in a divorce, grants custody of the children to the father is an immature asshole, and any woman who spends her life in her career an allows the father to raise the children is an immature asshole, because, in each of those cases, the woman is just as guilty of abdicating the role of parent as the guy here would be, and in many of them, she also doesnt even provide financial support. Funny, he only came back to you after he found out the other girl was pregnant. Bless This Mess. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 4. And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters. You go to a window and pick one out and take it home with you. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. April 10, 2012, 6:56 pm. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. Your welcome. I think we need to take a poll. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. Bossip Comment Policy Just because you have the right to do something doesnt mean that you should. Hes obligated to financially support the baby, which he is willing to do. The states dont advertise this. Senior year of high school, you turn to your boyfriend and say the words hes been dying to hear I think Im ready. He responds with Great, Im totally ready to be a dad anyway. Uh, no, were using protection. No, I know. So your boyfriend said he doesnt want anything to do with his own child (besides the child support) and you didnt run screaming the other way? female lets_be_honest The waiter has no idea that she has a severe allergy to peanuts, so doesnt tell the kitchen to change gloves when preparing her meal. Steve Kellmeyer Whether or not the current laws are unfair to the man are irrelevant since this child has already been conceived. Consider that this is the kind of guy that has casual sex with people he doesnt really know/like while on break from a relationship with someone he cant live without. (i.e. reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): A 2.6K views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 44 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Wildheart: **Miracle Baby Or Mistaken Baby- Man Denies Having Baby With Wife (Full Episode) - Paternity Court **. i am currently in an awful situation. 50 percent of babies are unplanned, and that includes married couples using contraception. Really stupid. Like condoms until you actually know you can trust them. All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. But it also tries to say that the man had a part in creating the child. No interest in fatherhood? I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. I wouldnt advocate using the pull-out method alone, but if some stranger says Its cool, Im on the Pill and you dont *quite* believe her and you dont have a condom, I guess it wouldnt hurt. Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. 6napkinburger Youre asking them to have a medical procedure and abort their unborn child. Image Source. He also said he is furious with this women for wanting to keep the child, because they were only together for 2 minutes. Knowing him for two minutes is not significant at all to a woman who feels that abortion is morally wrong for religious reasons. Men still lose here, because if theyre they one who wants the child, tough luck, but thats the way it is. Thats true, but by the same token, wait a bit (a few days or at least a full conversation) to see if you can get along with someone on a basic level before jumping into bed with them. Senior year of high school, you turn to your boyfriend and say the words hes been dying to hear I think Im ready. He responds with Great, Im totally ready to be a dad anyway. Uh, no, were using protection. No, I know. Ummm hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. Women dont get off requiring men to do it. Why are you standing up for mens right to bang a chick they have known two minutes without a condom and have no consequences for THEIR actions. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. It is never the unborn childs fault. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. I just picture this LW with only tiny chunks of her brain left rattling around in her head as she sputters out this completely illogical rubbish (malarky). After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. Let him go. Its not a comparable situation at all. Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. That line of reasoning is fine but condescending only for those who never in their entire lives have ever done anything that might have resulted in something unexpected (and unwanted) happening. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. And the legal system that obligates him was in place when he put himself in this position. April 10, 2012, 8:54 pm. When all of our comments are just reiterations of the same sentiment it can get boring. I dont know. Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). The woman then apparently became pregnant with apparently the guys child. Even people who do want to have one often suffer from some kind of depression or at least sadness. That way you will know things like what you both agree to do if she gets preggers, and how soon you jettison him if he goes and has sex with someone else ad knocks her up. As of now, all he has done is indicated that he wanted her to have an abortion. April 10, 2012, 9:40 pm. Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? I just feel sorry for the pregnant girl. . You know the risk youre taking when you do the deed. If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours. Again, if a woman chooses to have a baby against the fathers stated wishes (and the law of the land says this is completely and totally her choice), then that is her choice. Stop this back and forth with him. Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. That was almost two years ago, and we never saw each other, spoke, or texted again. Once again its the way the LW and the bf (at least the way the LW is presenting his reactions) acted about the potential baby that are rubbing people the wrong way. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated.. evanscr05 Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. The letter implies that the only protection used was the birth control. I take it, then, that your position is that a man should never ever have sex unless hes either (a) sterile, or (b) willing to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, but that a woman has those choices but also can opt for an abortion and so can opt out of the obligation of a child. People arent calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a women he was dating. Hes scum because he plans on abandoning the baby. lets_be_honest We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. bittergaymark April 10, 2012, 6:23 pm, P.S. Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. The decision to have sex is NOT a decision to have a child. At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. If the baby mama wants to keep the baby, its her decision. April 9, 2012, 11:46 am. Its not the mans moral fault that he didnt think he would be roped into parenthood by a singular sexual encounter when he was told she was on the Pill.. I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. That could very well be true I just tried to answer the letter as if whatever the LW said had some truth to it (like that the other woman was having the baby to purposely lure the guy into a relationship with her, etc.) & he tells me now, the mother agreed to take the child & look after the child, & he will leave the baby mama for me, because he loves me. Chuck Pelto Take this as a lesson learned. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. He willingly engaged in sex (apparently without a condom) with a woman he knew for two minutes. Sure. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallop. CONSTANTLY. The hand and fingers were all bright red and black-and-blue under the nails. It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. She is sovereign over her own body. Tell him to fuck off; if he couldnt live without you he should have figured it out before impregnating someone he cant stand. It only says he asked her to. You said it better, but I jumped back in before seeing your replies. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. Oh I completely agree! Dont be so quick to assume every dude who makes an observation about a real phenomenon is some embittered douche full of vitriol; you may learn something in the process. But anyone who consents to sex and is then furious at their sex partner when a baby is the outcome is an idiot. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. Increasingly, more and more, these letters just simply disgust me. You should be furious with him and dump his ass! So, it's up the guy to put the idea out there of getting back together and proving to his ex that it's worth a shot. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. Dolce Got Another Girl Pregnant He Broke My Heart.. Thats nature, Tim. Iwannatalktosampson And not because he deserved it for having possibly unprotected sex. My Wife Had Fun With My Best Friend And Destroyed Our Son's Future I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? It doesnt make sense. It is scummy though. That still has no impact on my main points. A female reader, iz07a +, writes (11 March 2010): my exboyfriend and i have been together for 5 yrs. A douchenozzle? This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. I completely agree. That is how we got our first kid. Welcome to adulthood. He chose to roll the dice and take his chances with intercourse. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. April 9, 2012, 1:05 pm. slept with someone else. I didnt see that it made sense for him to send a check for MY child when he never had even met her. I'm devastated and broken. I agree Savannah. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. Im not saying I think he should get any sort of say in it, but why are we so quick to deride his emotional response to an accidental life-altering event that, in his mind, could have been corrected, but isnt going to be due to someone elses decision? I think shes nothing but a little scroat. I do think he has a legal and monetary one, which he has stepped up to. Steve Kellmeyer Now. You sure arent one. -Got her pregnant These two ideas cannot be simultaneously true. It may not be widely known among the comment threads of womens advice blogs and other social hangouts but the family law bar is well aware of this issue. The decision to have sex is not a decision to have a child, but it always carries that risk. Please. April 9, 2012, 5:57 pm. Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!)